On Thursday 6th May 2004, we travelled to the Northern cultural oasis of York after meeting at the Fire Station Public House at Waterloo. Setting a fine example of having not read the itinerary, club veteran, Gully began the tour badly by arriving in the wrong outfit.
A short trip to Kings Cross and 200 cans of beer later, we arrived in York, assembling in the conveniently placed pub next to our hotel for an impromptu Tour Court presided over by Judge, Steve 'Spud' McGarrett, suitably attired in dark-suit and showing off his new 70's TV cop hairstyle!

Steve 'Spud' McGarrett

Despite the not so subtle hints over the previous three hours, the 'shoes of NO-Shame' had to be awarded to Gully for being incorrectly dressed. Then it was off for an eat-all-you-can curry and 'welcome to York' meal. Four of the more senior virgins, Palmer, Christmas, Chapman, & Holvey-Clark were required to introduce York gently to the Vandals style of Touring by dressing in Tour theme for our first night in town (Grass skirts, bikinis and big hair). Highlights included Chapman pole dancing in the 80's Bar!

Friday mornings Tour Court saw Spuddy once again appearing as Steve McGarrett. Prosecution from Elvis look-alike Brian 'Danno' Camembert and Andy Clarke as Tour Doctor formulating punishment cocktails from various combinations of Sambucca, Rum, Bols blue, Banana and Pear liqueurs, Polinka (Romanian plum brandy) Baileys and Pernod. The shoes of shame were awarded to 'Salty the sea-lion'. For no obvious reason Chapman and Allenby arrived at Court wearing black thongs under their grass skirts. As a result of this they were both banned from wearing their skirts for the rest of the day.

We then departed for a Mystery tour of York brewery

Many rounds of excellent beer and plates of
sandwiches from our very congenial hosts at the
brewery resulted in the Virgins, now resplendent
in their grass skirts and bikinis, (apart of course
from Chapman and Allenby),being required to
perform a variety of tasks including a rendition of the Tour song and ensuring the Senior Tourists
did not go hungry or thirsty…Quote of the Tour
reared its ugly head at this moment from 'Tiger' in the form of "I got my mum to sew my nipples into my bikini".

Thongs for the memory

Musical accompaniment to sooth the Seniors whilst they relaxed over lunch was provided by Holvey-Clark performing 'Moonlight Sonata' and 'Chopsticks' on the brewery's piano.

Our exit from the brewery resulted in a sea of disbelieving faces in an adjacent office block, whilst Allenby and Chapman played with their ukuleles to entertain passing motorists. The remainder of the afternoon was free for tourists to spend it as they pleased.

The high number of serious Tour offences booked by Danno on Friday resulted in a call for alcoholic re-enforcements for the Doctors medicine cabinet at Saturdays Tour Court. This included the introduction of new cocktail ingredients including some special Chilli spirit. Handled with metal tongs whilst the fire brigade stood by, this drink in a fetching shade of pink came with a built in 5 second fuse before a raging oral inferno ensued. Recipients included Gully and Rabs for failing to appear at Fridays Court and Johnny Lats for complaining that we'd bought too much beer. His defence that he was a member of the anti-waste alliance only antagonising His Honour.
The 'shoes of shame' had to be renamed 'the clogs' in recognition of the stupidity of an unamed Tourist who was this morning's recipient. After a relatively gentle morning at the pub we travelled to York RFC in tour theme. A closely fought game resulted in a 12 all draw…at least that's how we remembered the outcome. With a try from Palmer and a conversion by Baldwin (!) using one of the clogs as a kicking-tee...his victory lap at actually getting the ball over the posts terminated abruptly by Holvey-Clarks only decent tackle of the day! Singing and bar games followed.

Memorable highlights included a "Virgins get naked, perform 10 laps of the dizzy stick and then down a pint" relay. Adam suffering with Alopecia and Chapman (for some bizarre reason) downing two pints of warm soapy water with bits floating in it. A long night out ended with Chapman (what again?), Allenby, Holvey-Clark and 'Danno', body surfing down a 60 foot , steep grass bank and wondering why the next morning they had no skin on their stomachs.

Sundays Tour court saw the Virgins allowed back into Tour shirts apart from 'Lilly' who looked far too pretty in his Tour Theme, not to have to wear it again. Limited fines including a new bottle of Habañero vodka were dished out along with the newly re-named "shoes of shave" to Adam. P**ck of the Tour was awarded to 'Salty' for weekend long silliness and his unnerving similarity to a sea-lion.
Tourists then settled down to a few gentle pints and cooked breakfast before returning to London with thoughts of next years Tour. Suggestions to date include Poland, Cyprus, Hungary and Bulgaria. Will you be joining us?